Pick-ups and Drop-offs

When you’re single, you have one chance to make an impression on someone you are interested in. That can be a lot of pressure, right? Especially given that most of today’s dating is done online or through mobile applications.

“Pick-up lines” are probably one of my favorite topics to discuss with friends, so why not blog about it? Ten percent of people in the dating world know what to say and when to say it, unfortunately, the other ninety percent of people just don’t get it.

This blog is about those ninety percent-ers.

These stories are all factual that have been used on my friends (all identities of the individuals have been protected). I hope these infamous one liners make you smile, laugh, or helps you as a tool (of what not to do) when you approach your next crush with “clever ” pick-up line. So grab a glass of wine and enjoy!

1. The smooth guy.

While in college, a friend of mine, we will call her, “Jane Austin” was working at her part time job at a fast food restaurant. She had asked a customer if he would like his receipt, and he responded, “I’d like it with your number written on it.”

We can agree, that was smooth one. However, did he get her number? No, believe it or not we don’t always want to meet our significant other while we slaving away at a job to get us survival money for our college broke days…but it was a great effort.

2. The TINDER Aladdin

“Now that I’ve met you, I don’t know what to use my other two wishes on.”

I will use one of those wishes for a charcuterie board, because that line was cheesy.

3. The creepy sibling bond.

While in high school, one of my friends was approached by a classmate’s twin sister, and she read my friend a poem written by her very special brother (this may or may not be appropriate, so I encourage you to drink more wine). The poem went like this:
“I wanna pop your cherry,
that’s the thing that I do best,
I wanna pop your cherry
and I know you wanna pop mine too.”

It’s probably safe to say this William Shakespeare’s poetry may be the reason he’s still single.

4. The Beggar

One of my girlfriends, “Princess Sofia” was at the gas station when she was approached by a man. The man asked her if she had a dollar, when she replied that she didn’t have any cash on her (like we all do), he replied, “Ok, well I can just get your number instead and call you sometime?”

It’s safe to say that beggar boy did get something that day, the finger. Ok, maybe not the finger…but I mean, that probably would have been my next move.

5. The animal rights activist?

Text conversation between girl (my friend) and guy:
Guy: “Hey quick question, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?”
Girl: “Oh, about 800-1500 lbs. on average. Not enough to break the ice though—or else they would all drown.” (Insert winking polar bear image)
Guy: “How ya doin? Lol way to steal my joke”

Yep…not much to say here. Maybe next time just start with, “How ya doin?”

6. Teacher’s Pet

Guy (btw-not a student):“So you’re a teacher, what’s my grade?”
Teacher:“eh, good enough…”

They always say give the teacher an apple and you will be the favorite student in the class. However in the dating world, some may need to stick with apples rather than one liners or else you get the truth.

7. The douche.

Dating app conversations are always a hit or miss…usually a miss. So please enjoy this exchange between my girl friend and a Tinder match.

Tinder Douche: “You know, I have always had a thing for MILFS”
Girl: “I’m 24…”

So, that’s was the end to that conversation. Boy bye. You probably should think of a new game plan for executing your next Tinder match.

8. Tinder Suave

“On a scale of 1-let’s go on a date. Where do we stand?”

Yeah, not a good sign bro. Best of luck to you!

9. Jailbird

There must be something about gas stations. While pumping gas my friend noticed a strange guy watching her. Given a recent criminal spree of women being abducted, her paranoia started to ignite. After awkwardly looking her up and down he walks up to her and asks, “Can you run in those heels?” To which she replied, ” Uhhh…yes! I can!” She swiftly runs to her car and texts her cop friend (beauty of small town livin’) and within ten minutes the strange man is arrested and spends his night in jail.

I think we all learned a valuable lesson here, don’t be a creep!

10. Literally literal.

My girl friend was at a party. While in the kitchen a guy walks in and drops a piece of ice on the floor, smashes it with his shoe, and says, “So, now that the ice is broken, what’s your name?”

-Fast forward a few years…they are now married. I guess some dreams do come true, ninety percenters  can sometimes find their way to the top!

So if you’re single, good luck out there!


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